Burns Night: Ode To The Deep-Fried Mars Bar

Oh noble chocolate bar, deep-fried in batter
So beautifully laid upon yon platter
We bite yer crispy coat then sic a splatter
O gallus, gowden goo
That couldnae be mair sugary or fatter
Bursts inside wir mou’

Weel-named are ye for Mars, the god of war
For the gods up in the Galaxy did roar
And raized a Marathon o’ random-splore
And hurly-burly
When first ye came. Then cried for more:
Creme Egg and Curly-Wurly

But even thou, confectionary collision,
Has commentators treat ye wi’ derision
And mock the genius jock fae Stonie wi’ a vision
Syne he gat
Ye, we an artist’s eye and scientist’s precision,
Plunged deep i’ the fat

So speedily ye gained iconic status
But they said that it would just inflate us
Like the frying of the chipped potatoes
Or single fish
One mair reason to berate us
O’er this dainty dish

But doubters always find the doubting word
We cries o’ “heart-attacks!” and “arteries furred!”
This humble sweetie’s reputation’s slurred
Saying it makes Scots obese
Well, dinna gobble it whole like gannet-birds
Just hae a wee piece!

So let’s not spoil a joy wi’ daunted “Why?”
Ye’ve heard aboot it, why not have a try?
From North and South let’s hear yer voices cry
Baith near and far
Let’s drink a toast, wi’ glasses raised up high
Tae the deep-fried Mars bar

Tim Dalling

gallus: excellent
gowden: golden
raized: provoked, roused
random-splore: careless frolic, carousal
syne he gat: then he begot, conceived